How to f@#k up your chance at change and screw up everything.

“Is any man afraid of change? What can take place without change? What then is more pleasing or more suitable to the universal nature? And can you take a hot bath unless the wood for the fire undergoes a change? And can you be nourished unless the food undergoes a change? And can anything else that is useful be accomplished without change? Do you not see then that for yourself also to change is just the same, and equally necessary for the universal nature?” – Marcus Aurelius

Change is hard, but not changing may be worse, and change may be one of the scariest words in the English language. When most people even think of the idea of changing something, you can expect anxiety, discomfort, and even anger. But why is this? If a person is experiencing something that is perhaps ruining their health, relationships, and/or life, why would they not change? For this post, I'm going to talk about the idea of any kind of change for any given person, and not in the context of someone struggling with an addiction. That will be a later post, but this will be a starting point which may open some eyes to the subject. Today we are going to discuss how to make change impossible and how to completely destroy your chances at success.

Most people are comfortable, even when they aren't. What.............?

As humans, when we get into routines and habits, our brains wire themselves to know and expect to do things in a certain way, at a certain time, and for a certain period and it becomes a part of us. Social Learning Theory and Operant and Classical Conditioning add a few more layers to the complexity of this but let's look at why people don't like change. Let's explore what they do to themselves to ruin their chances.

So change is hard. If you go back to the part about being comfortable and having routines and habits, you can understand this. First off, change means having to consciously (and with effort) do things differently. Because of this, the idea of change can destroy your attempts before even getting ready. Mind traps often become one of the largest obstacles we face when attempting to change. Cognitive Distortions can play a part in why many people struggle to make changes, even in minor aspects. Some people minimize their problems and behaviours, so the need to change doesn't seem important to them. They could generalize that "everyone does this" and reinforce the idea that change isn't needed. Perhaps they carry some rigidity in their overall personality and that plays a part. The more negative we swing ourselves into, the harder it will be to make a change. Negativity seems to be the hardest obstacle, but making things negative seems to be the easiest part.

Often, we don't want to hear something is "wrong" with us or feel we aren't doing something "right". We may become rigid and closed off. Our ego can often get in the way of becoming a better version of ourselves. If we tell ourselves that we need to change, we may feel that means we aren't happy with ourselves or aren't good enough. For those struggling with low self-esteem or mental health issues, this could create a crisis in itself.

If we don't know how the change will affect us in the short or/and long term, it also creates issues. The comfort in knowing what we are doing now, even if it brings negativity, still means being in the know- and that is more comforting than surprises and not being in control. Because we don't know what the outcome will be, only what we want, we can doubt ourselves and fear failing, or fear wasting our time, or fear looking stupid if we don't get the results we or someone else wants us to get. When we don't see results as quickly as we want, this also detours us from continuing. We live in an age of instant gratification, if we can't do or get something quickly, it loses its glamour and our ambition to carry on with it. If we don't have the ambition to start with, this brings more problems. If we are changing because someone else wants us to and/or we don't think it's needed, we start to slack and find excuses or blame others for our failure to work towards getting and maintaining the change. There goes our motivation.

The less motivation we have, the less likely we are to attempt and/or continue working on change. Working on something also means time and effort, and "What is the price we are paying to make this change" becomes a question we start to ask ourselves. We can begin to manipulate the need to change into a negative situation. Sometimes we don't want to take responsibility for that failure that's possible to occur, and if we set ourselves up for failure from the start, we can grow more and more resentful and unwilling to carry out tasks to change knowing failure is looking more and more possible.

On the flip side. others may be up and running and ready to do something. There are times when someone may spend too much time planning their action plan for change. The planning phase overtakes the actual attempt and work towards change. Maybe they have great intentions, but then they started focusing on making too many changes, they have too many plans, and then their focus gets completely side-railed. They may have all these ideas and pictures in their mind about the actions to take, but they don't seem to ever find the right time or place to do so, or gain the resources needed to make the change. They can become a perfectionist in the way they want to carry out the change and it becomes a hinder or even an excuse to not move forward. They may start to even doubt the process of change from overthinking it. Eventually, if you struggle with the above, you could likely give up.

Many people will consciously and/or unconsciously spend more time and energy working against themselves and self-sabotaging their effort to change than actually attempting and carrying out the tasks to change. Some people try and don't get it at first, then they give up. Sometimes it becomes exhausting or annoying and they get to a certain point and think "good enough" is good enough.

No matter what negative trap you find yourself in, the best solution is to start by getting out. Begin telling yourself that change is a natural part of life and growth, and that winners don't win unless they try and then finish. You start by being good, and with continuation and dedication, you become great.

The stoics and other great minds taught some great things about change. Bringing a little of their wisdom into your life and efforts will go a long way.

"As long as you live, keep learning how to live." – Seneca

“There is nothing permanent except change.” – Heraclitus

“When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.” – Confucius

“Everything changes, nothing remains without change.” – Buddha

“When you let go of who you are, you become who you might be.” – Rumi